Lord of the Idiots
by Koffeeinacup
Summary: Sauron's true identity revealed. Can our heroes stop him? Want at least 10 reviews plz. Ch2 coming soon
1. Here and Not Going Back There

Lord of the Idiots  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. You think we would really even need these disclaimers? I mean come on. If I did own Lord of the Rings would I be writing fanfics for it? If I did own Lord of the Rings I would start my own cartoon series (anime style) and I would make a lot more merchandise. Anyway...on to the story!  
  
Oh yeah. And before the story, I hope you've at least read the book or seen the movie or, you won't understand some of the things going on.  
  
I would also like to give credit to my friends who helped me write this fic Particleman87, JE, and MG.  
  
Our heroes go up to the Black Gate and do their thing. Meanwhile, Batman and Robin...I mean Frodo and Sam get to the Cracks of Doom. Gollum enters, has a snack on Frodo's finger and falls in. BLOOP. Sam saves Frodo, and just as they're thinking, "Cool, now we can go home," they hear a horrible screech from above. The Witch King, now reincarnated and pieced together with bits of tin foil, pulled out of his dive bomb with the One Ring gripped in his abused Pidgey's (That monster!) claws (Nicknamed Michael. Michael, as in a kid we knew once, who believed in Pokemon and thought he was a Pidgey.) The Witch King flew away into the night, into the day, and into the noon. (Yes, it took this long. I'd like to see you fly faster on an abused Pidgey!) Anyway... when the Lead Ringwraith finally got to the tower, the exhausted pokemon plummeted from the sky, dropping the One Ring right into the Big Eye's retina. Screaming in rage, Sauron, turning back to his old self, flipped off the Witch King's Pidgey, and he put the Ring on the "magic finger".  
Back at the ranch, or in this case the Black Gate, Aragorn and friends were finally winning the battle. Just as the last troll was felled, and the orcs started running, an evil voice floated over the field. "Mwahaha... cough, hack, choke," it said. Suddenly, we find our friends against the Dark Lord himself. No not Voldemort you morons... Sauron! "Hahaha," he repeats as he kills half their army when he sneezes. "Now for the ULTIMATE torture!" Sauron said as he whipped out a boombox, (I don't think they had those back then but whatever. It's a fic right?) inserted a CD labeled "Sauron's mix", and pressed play. insert dramatic music here  
"No!" screamed Aragorn  
"We have failed," said Gandalf.  
"We're all going to die," sobbed Frodo.  
"Why, why, why?" asked Sam  
"It's too much!" yelped Legolas.  
"I can't take the pain," hollered Gimli.  
"Mommy!" screeched Merry.  
"Must it end like this?" wept Pippin.  
The orcs were dancing to the "Macarena" with much enthusiasm. Some used their swords and pretended they were guitars.  
Suddenly, a voice boomed over the land, shortly followed by another voice.  
"Oh come on, Lenny...Macarena dancing orcs?"  
"Well I like it, George, but if you don't like it then we can get rid of them."  
Soon another voice joined them.  
"Hey what are you doing!?" It's my story! No messing around with it!"  
"We're just adding a few corrections..."  
"It's my job to write the stories, and you just help in the publishing process. Let me just erase this."  
A giant hand had appeared with a pencil, eraser-tip first, and erased all the Macarena dancing orcs.  
"Who are you?" yelled Aragorn out loud towards the giant hand.  
"Why I'm the author of this novel. My name's J.R.R Tolkien. I am pretty much like the god of this story."  
"What business do you have here?"  
"Well...I'm God! I control the good and bad outcomes. I WAS the one who started the Fellowship in this journey."  
"What!? Is this your idea of a joke!? Look at all the friends we lost on the way and look at Sauron who is back to life!"  
"Oh, I can remedy this easy!" Tolkien, or his giant hand to the Fellowship, erased Sauron away. Sauron yelled, "Hey! You can't do this to me! I haven't even played the 'Chicken Dance', yet! AHHH!"  
"But if you could have done that the whole time," Aragorn inquired, "why didn't you!? And back to the point, what about our friends!?" sounding angry and sad at the same time. "To answer your first question, I have to say that it would be boring to have you just instantly destroy the ring. As for your second question, I can bring them back no problem."  
Tolkien's hand retracted only to come forth, but there were four people in his hand. The only thing they could see were three of the four people, (seventy-five percent, ¾, or 3:4) which happened to be their friends. "It's Boromir, Theoden, and Denethor! They're back!" yelled Aragorn. (Wow. There certainly are a lot of exclamation points in this story. Don't you agree?) "Yay everyone cheered.  
Faramir on the other hand, when he heard Denethor's name, dropped all his things, including sword, armor, and bows and arrows, ran top speed towards Fangorn Forest.  
"Son, come back!" called Denathor, dropping his box of matches and spray bottle full of gasoline.  
As their friends got closer, they noticed something. Boromir had those three arrows he was shot with still stuck in him (Not to mention he looked half dead to everyone still.) while Theoden was flat as a pancake. Denathor was smoking black and his skin was flabby. (If you don't remember how he died, let me refresh your memory. He jumped off a ledge of a very high place, while burning like a smore in flames. Mmmmm...smores...)  
"Errr...Mr. Tolkien? You mind fixing our friends?" Aragorn asked. "What? Oh...ummm...sure!" Tolkien replied and Boromir, Theoden, and Denethor were back to normal.  
"Thank you but wait! Who is the fourth guy? Oh my Galadriel! It's Sauron! Why did you bring HIM back!?"  
SLAP. Gimli had slapped Aragorn rather hard on the cheek. "Don't say Galadriel's name in vain!" he exclaimed. Anyway...  
"Why did you bring him back!?" Aragorn exclaimed. "Oh. About that. I've put him in his human form...permanently. He's actually rather nice as a human. He is rather popular in our world. Also now that he's human that makes him a REAL boy!" Tolkien said. "Did someone say 'boy'?" said a high- pitched voice we knew, all too well, as Michael Jackson's. "No, go away!" screamed everyone, including Tolkien himself. Tolkien even tried to strike the guy, or girl who knows, (Just kidding) with lightning, but before he could get him Jackson burrowed a hole underground and dug his way out of danger. (He is an animal...) Who knows how deep he got. The team could hear noises coming from the hole faintly. Diglett dig, Diglett dig, Trio, Trio, Trio. (Wow! That is deep!)  
After that incident... Sauron had started to remove his helmet as everyone waited expectantly to see who he really was. Sauron had completely removed his helmet, now and everyone looked in awe. Oh my Galadr... I mean Gosh (Don't want to get hit you see.) it's Ben Affleck! All our heroes started to run. I wonder where they went.  
Later we find ourselves at Bilbo's humble Hobbit hole. He's looking in his pantry closet to get some tobacco when... "Holy Galadriel! What are you doing in my pantry closet?" inquired Bilbo rather loudly.  
SLAP. Yet again, Gimli had slapped another person, this of course being Bilbo. He said, "Don't say Galadriel's name in vain!" Bilbo continued, "What happened?" Legolas answered, "Sauron is back and we found out his true identity. His true identity is..." "Ben Affleck!" blurted Aragorn. "Oh my Galadr...I mean word! Well then...scoot over and make room for me quickly before he comes looking!" cried Bilbo.  
  
THE END  
  
Aragorn: What do you mean 'the end'! It's just begun! I mean Sauron, or Ben Affleck shiver, is back even worse than ever!  
Legolas: He's right.  
Gimli: He's definitely got a point there.  
CC & Partcleman: Oh all right...  
THE END...or is it? 


	2. Arguments and Taking Things Literally

"Wow, what a trip," said Aragorn exasperated. "I need aspirin or something..." "Here try this. It's called Bengay," Legolas said. "Will it help?" "Who knows..." "Did someone call my name?" asked the truly terrifying Lord of Darkness in his new human form, which was BEN AFFLECK! "Oh my Gala...word! It is HIM! Run for your lives!"  
Gimli gave Aragorn a smile and big thumbs up for not using Galadriel's name in vain as you read about in chapter one.  
After running for miles, they are lost in the middle of nowhere. "I think we lost him, but we also got ourselves lost in the process." Said Legolas catching his breath. "Yes. Indeed we are lost. Gimli, take out the map. We must head to Gondor and get some aid. Our other comrades are probably already there," Aragorn also said between breaths. "OK," Gimli replied.  
Gimli then pulls out an etch a sketch. "What is that," inquired Aragorn. "It's an etch a sketch," said Gimli shortly. "I lost the real map, but luckily I had it drawn it on this before I lost it. Uh oh... It seems while we were running that the etch a sketch erased..." "..." "Wait!" cried Legolas. "I know where we are! Tell me...what do you see over there?"  
Aragorn put on a confused expression. Well made a confused impression because you can't put on an expression really. It's not like a mask or anything. Back to our topic... Then he got what Legolas meant. "It's a giant letter G! We're in Gondor!"  
"YAY," yelled everyone. After traveling many leagues...  
"What's a league?" "What?" "What IS a league?" "It's a...well...ummm..." "You don't know..." "Yes I do!" "No you don't" "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No" "N-I mean Yes!" "No" "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No" "Yes" "No"  
After debating for several hours, the two authors finally killed each other and was replaced by me.  
Anyway, after traveling many leagues... What's a league? What? What IS a league? It's a...well...ummm... You don't know... Yes I do! No you don't Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Draws a sword Yes Draws a gun No Draws bigger gun Yes Draws even bigger gun No Draws a bazooka Yes Draws a missile launcher No Draws tank Ha! My drawing of a tank looks so much better. I win! OH YA!? They go on and kill each other with paper cuts. Yes it's possible because you could lose too much blood and die.  
  
Hi folks! It's me, the assistant's assistant to the author. No one's left except for my friend and me. So anyway, we get to write the story. (Sorry about the lack of quotations. We used so many that there were budget cuts.)  
So after traveling many leagues... What's a league? What It's a...well...ummm... You don't know... Yes I do! No you don't Yes No Yes No (Repeats the last 4 pages of the script)  
  
Hi! It's Aragorn. Since the authors are all dead... We're not dead! Yes! No! Yes! No! Wait! We're not going through this again! Yes, we are No, we're not Yes No Yes No SHUT UP ALREADY! Professor Tolkien! It's such an honor! Just get on with the stupid story! NOW! Yes, sir!  
  
"It's a giant letter G! We're in Gondor!" (By the way, the original authors are back in control.)  
"We'll head for Mordor over there. We might be able to find information on Sauron's weakness there, but first we meet with our friends.  
They managed to get to Denethor's kingdom where they met with Gandalf, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. Boromir was now the new ruler of Gondor and Faramir was probably still lost somewhere in Fangorn Forest. All of them spoke for a while.  
"It is now harder to get to Mordor than before. Hey that rhymes! I could become a rapper! Yo yo what's in the hood?" said Gandalf.  
"... Why is that?" everyone asked ignoring him about the rapping.  
"First off there is a mysterious trap to get past. Then there is a cursed place recently built called Minas Cinema. I heard there is an enchantment called Move E although I don't know what it does."  
"But we must go no matter the cost."  
"It seems I cannot change your mind so let's be off!"  
They all took off traveling many leagues. A league, I looked up, means a measure of distance, usually about three miles. Anyway, they traveled many leagues and made it to Mordor.  
Aragorn was confused. "Am I crazy or do I see four doors straight ahead?"  
"I see it too," replied Gandalf. "It's the door trap to Minas Cinema. We can only choose one of these four doors."  
"I say the third one. It's always the third one in the movies."  
"Yes, I suppose you're right."  
Aragorn went ahead and opened the door only to find another door behind it. Everyone at the time was ducking thinking Aragorn would be blown to smithereens, but after hearing nothing they looked up. Aragorn opened that door too only to find yet another door.  
"I guess that's how they got the name 'Mordor'" Legolas sighed.  
"Makes sense I guess..." Gimli also sighed.  
"I got it!" Aragorn cried.  
After opening one hundred eighty-seven doors, they made it into Minas Cinema. "I feel sick," said Aragorn, Legolas, and Gandalf simultaneously. They all started changing. Gandalf still looked the same pretty much except he magically got a pair of moon-rimmed spectacles. Also replacing his staff was a wand. He was Dumbledore! Aragorn transformed into Hidalgo and, Legolas changed into Will Turner. (Pirates of the Carribean) Ahhhhh! OK. It's not THAT bad. In fact it's pretty cool, but still we all prefer still regular Aragorn, Legolas, and Gandalf. Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, which we haven't mentioned in a while, came and transformed about halfway through the cave. (I guess it works slower on midgets. Just kidding, guys!) They all started looking dwarvish, except Gimli because he is a dwarf. What was most peculiar was their personality changes. Frodo became shy and kept constantly blushing(Bashful), Sam wouldn't talk and had a dumb expression on(Dopey), Merry sounded as if he were drunk(Happy), Pippin kept sneezing his head off(Sneezer like that's really hard...), and Gimli became frustrated with every little thing that happened(Grumpy). Even with all this, they made it through the end towards the final door.. Aragorn opened it, hoping there wasn't another door behind it, and found a fairy. The fairy told them its name was Navi.  
"Wait. THE Navi!? No wonder I could never find you in hose Zelda games!" Aragorn cried.  
Suddenly Link walks in. "I go halfway around the world, and two realms, and you're not even in the right place!? I'm surrounded by amateurs!" yells Link angrily stomping off. Before they left they at least got information. "To defeat this Ben Affleck fellow, you must find the Almighty Paparazzi. They are the only ones capable of that. If that fails, take this Aragorn and use it." Navi whispers in Aragorn's ear and hands him something that noone can see and slips it in his cloak.  
The company continued through several more doors. (Haha get it? More Door is Mordor? Man, we hate puns...) On the way they saw Luke Skywalker fighting Darth Vader, Neo fighting with someone who looked surprisingly like Elrond, and Mario fighting Bowser  
"Neo! Use the force! Don't forget, you can grab Bowser's tail and swing him around!" shouted Legolas. Gandalf slapped him one.  
They left Minas Cinema and started in search of the Holy Paparazzi. Oh! If you're wondering if that was Elrond back there, it was. He was thinking he would go alone to search for Navi to not involve others in the peril. He got struck by the enchantment when Neo flies up out of nowhere. He was thinking when he saw Gandalf and everyone, "Why aren't they coming to help me!? Some idiot named Neo, who claims he's the One, is kicking the crap out of me! Help!" Of course it was useless to talk because of the intense fighting. 


End file.
